All is fair in love & war?

"This is war peacock!"-Professor Plum,Clue

Two weeks have taken their sweet revenge on me. I stand in solemn silence as the bus drives away and I know without a shadow of a doubt that 5 weeks will pass like a year. It's a good thing I am not going to cling onto what I know. Rather I am going to take a giant leap off of this hypothetical building into a lake that doesn't yet exist trusting that by the time I get down to the bottom God will have provided one for me to oh so ineloquently dive into. Gibberish? Maybe.

I am going to die today. I want to. I need to. Death is painful. Sometimes it is very sudden and unexpected. Other _____ you aren't expecting it. For Christ I die that I may truly live. What does it mean to die? I truly don't understand it but I want explore it.

the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism. extinction; destruction:bloodshed or murder

What? Hold up so to die I need to but every thing I consider to be vital on the table and pull the plug. My eating,my thoughts, my sleeping, my so called needs...yes. What a horrible ideal! Who would want to endure this? ME! Thats what my heart screams but my head has a hard time keeping up.

Keep your head up. As my friends. Well they are distant musical friends that don't know me but I know them quite intimately. But they sang, they sing about keeping you head up. That sometimes you have to break your neck to do so. Cause it hurts in a healthy world to hold your head high but we are in a hurting world so it's impossible. Without death it's impossible.

So kill me...not even softly. The pain that we think we know is nothing compared to the life that we could gain. And we would not know of pain but of victory in blood alone.

And trust me it gets lonely when you are a tattered soldier on the sidelines or on the front lines or lying in a fox hole your regiment dug for you. To take a break from the bullets flying over head cause we understand if you need to sit this one out.

Because all is fair in love and war.[it's because we love Him that we war]

Be a causality with me?
Not so casually.
Cause it's not casual.
And it certainly isn't formal.
Or normal.
Death is just a reason to begin again.